I guess this is sort of a summary of my year.
Let me start with reminding the few of you who have known me that long, of what I was doing this time last year.
I was upset because of my boyfriends drug use.
Since then, I have lost him, and multiple people from my life. I won't lie, it hurts. But you know what? I'm still living. I'm still here. All those people who I thought I couldn't live without? Well hey, look at me. Living and shit. I've learned a lot. I feel this year was really a wake up call for me. I was too needy. Far too needy. I was also far too immature. I don't think it was entirely my fault though, my mental health has been fucked up since I was a kid. My severe depression and anxiety distorted my view of the world, and as a result I've made a lot of poor decisions. I take full responsibility for my decisions. I made mistakes. A lot of them. But I know now that that person who would have died for love, and attached themselves onto the slightest amount of human affection isn't me. I'm not that person any more. I know now that I can survive on my own. I don't need friends, I don't need love from others to function. Living is enough.
I take my medication, I do what the doctors tell me, and even though my treatment is still only just beginning I can already see so many changes in myself.
I no longer make decisions on rash emotions, I think through what I want now, and for the future.
I see a lot of people my age, rushing through their lives, moving out or leaving school, all for petty reasons. Acting like drama is their only fuel. It makes me sad, why rush? I'm taking time for me.
I'm doing things to make myself better. Instead of fighting against my parents, lying, sneaking around, I'm working on fixing our relationships. Friendships come and go but like they say family is forever. And you know what? As soon as I stopped acting like a spoiled teenage brat, they started respecting me more as an individual. I feel really good about my parents and my communication right now.
One of the main things I've noticed about myself is I've woken up to reason. I see logical solutions to my problems, instead of letting my illness cloud up my thoughts. I've learned how to get through the rough patches. I've learned to say goodbye to people who deserve it. The things that have happened to me weren't my fault. I understand that now. There have been times in my life where I have been treated the way no person deserves to. But that was not my fault. It was theirs. I can place blame where it deserves now.
I'm not angry anymore. I'm over anger. I forgive the people who have hurt me. I have no more hatred there for them. That does not mean I will ever let them back into my life though. I don't want their poison. Being around people from those times in my past drags me down, I have so much further to fly and I will not let them stop me. When somebody leaves your life, no matter what there is a reason and sometimes it takes a while for you to understand what that reason is. But I know the reasons I no longer have many people in my life. I see now it is definitely for the best.
It made room for new people to enter my life.
Well one person.
One person with whom I have shared who I am in the most basic levels of my being. Stripped back all the lies and denials of who we pretend to be in every day life and who loves me. Loves me for the most shameful and humiliating parts of my soul, loves me for who I am when I am at my very lowest and who can see I am more than these illnesses and fears. Someone who cares. No matter what hour, day or night. Someone who cries at the very thought of my distress and is willing to risk every single aspect of their life in order to remain by my side, for better or worse.
This person helped me. Every minute. Of everyday. Pulled me out of my darkest mind space and told me how loveable I was through it all.
This love is not a rushed passionate affair. It is comfortable understanding and made to last.
I'm still not ok, but I am trying my absolute best. I am going to rise above all of this.
My environment is no longer dying but fresh and new.
My future is bright and I have the love and support I need to get to where I need to go.
I will continue to go to the gym and change how I treat my body. I will go to school, so I can leave with a level 3 education. I will gain my certificate at NorthTec and I will get the job I want. I will continue to study the road code to try gain my drivers license. I will live my life and I will keep learning.
I know now that things are not as miserable as they used to be. Life is not a curse but a blessing.
I'm finally on the road to living.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to favourite, comment, watch or read my journals or art. The support I have gained here has truly been a part of changing who I am. And without this community I never would have met the most important person in my life. I love you guys so fucking much I can't even believe how close I have gotten to people I've never even met.
Thank you. Everyone. For keeping me going. I don't care if you read up to this point or not, I don't care if you never even read a word I wrote, just thank you for joining me in living and breathing on this earth.
This is what freedom is.